The Selfishness of Suicidal Tendencies

Before I was even diagnosed with depression, and before I really knew anything about depression or suicidal thoughts, other than the very mild tendencies I had in junior high, I had a conversation with one of my classmates. We weren’t very close, but happened to have lunch together with a mutual friend. We somehow got onto the topic of suicide, a topic I never dared to even think of discussing out loud. She seemed quite passionate about it, although she didn’t know anyone who had attempted, and was especially adamant that suicide is selfish. I absolutely did not agree, but wanted to hear her out a bit more. She went on to spew many myths people have about those who are suicidal – suicide is a cop out, it’s selfish, people who attempt suicide think of no one except themselves, and so on and so forth.

I didn’t argue the opposite side very well, and simply said that I didn’t agree, and that I thought suicide was far from selfish but was too timid to argue that idea well. It may be too little too late, but I’d like to clearly state that in my opinion, suicide is anything but selfish. I can completely understand why people, especially suicide survivors (people who have lost someone to suicide) think that suicide is incredibly selfish, and that those who choose that route are completely inconsiderate and self absorbed.

My experience was the opposite. I didn’t want to take my life. I wanted to end my pain, yes, but I was at such a low point, that I really didn’t care about my happiness. I felt undeserving of happiness, and only deserving of pain. Before my attempts, I didn’t feel relief, like it was something for me, or to make things better for me. I did it because I didn’t want to be a burden anymore, I honestly believed no one wanted me around, and that everyone’s lives would be so much better if I wasn’t around. I don’t know why I thought that, it’s just something that my depression did to me. Depression attacks your mind, and makes it impossible to see things as they really are, and that’s exactly what happened to me. I remember thinking that there were certain things about the world that I would miss, but ending my life was something I had to do, because I didn’t deserve my life, and I was miserable anyways so I had nothing to lose.

I know now if anyone ever says that suicide is something selfish that inconsiderate people do, I will be the first to explain why I disagree. In some ways, before I tried to take my life, I was trying to be very selfless. I didn’t think about myself; I only thought about those around me, those I loved, and how my absence would make things so much better. Those who think depressed or suicidal people are weak are sorely mistaken; they have simply been forced to be strong for far too long. Attempting suicide takes a great deal of courage, in my opinion, but getting help takes more, and ending my life seemed like the only option I had because I absolutely did not have the courage it takes to get help on my own. Courage is something that is absolutely necessary to learn to manage depression, yet it’s what I had the least of. Somehow, perhaps by good luck, I managed to get help before I “succeeded” with an attempt. I was able to get help, when I didn’t even want it because I thought I was unworthy of being saved. Thankfully, I know better now. I know I’m loved by those I love, I deserve to not only live, but I deserve a good life.

Keep Surviving by Living.

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2 comments

  1. Hi Ameera,
    I was visiting Erin’s blog, daisies and bruises and found your blog address. I am glad I did.
    I felt I had to write to say how well you write and articulate your thoughts on depression.
    Thank you for writing and sharing.
    Helen 🙂

    Like

    1. Hey Helen,
      Thanks for checking out my blog! I’m so glad that you enjoyed reading what I have to say and hope you check out my future posts as well 🙂

      Like

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